Monday, 12 December 2011


"Political correctness is for fools!" The Cairns radio shock-jock couldn't resist bringing up one of his favorite subjects before His Worship, the Mayor of Cairns, Colonel (Retired) Ken Cush, arrived in his studio as guest speaker on his talk-back radio program.

For years the shock-jock had ranted and railed against the curtailment of free speech, arguing that freedom of speech was one of the greatest freedoms bestowed upon the common person. He had his supporters too and the shock jock was delighted to find one on the line waiting to talk to him.

"Hello, we have Tremayne of Forest Gardens on the line," jovially announced the shock-jock.

"Oh, I agree mate with what you said about political correctness," rushed in "Tremayne".
"I mean, all those bloody academics and milksops reckon it's some sort of brake society needs in order to maintain decency and civility....."

"Which is utter crap," broke in the shock jock. "I mean, what would they know?"

"Oh exactly, exactly," agreed "Tremayne" in a deferential tone, buttering up the shock jock and lulling him into a sense of false security.

A sharp rat a tat on the glass door leading into the on-air studio, momentarily distracted the shock jock and he looked up to see Colonel Cush grinning back at him. Abandoning his head set for a moment, he stood up, greeted Cush with a hearty handshake and motioned Cush to the seat opposite his desk. "Tremayne" was continuing, but the shock jock wasn't worried. After all, the caller agreed with him.

"I absolutely agree with you, no problems. I mean why should I be prevented from telling you publicly or privately that I think you are a simple minded, half witted, fucked in the head, alcoholic, closet dick licking, dog fucking, goat molesting imbecile......"
"Tremayne" alias "Wayne" alias "Shane" alias "Zane" couldn't believe his luck. All other times he had attepted to exercise his rights to free speech, free from the constraints of "political correctness" on the radio shock jocks program, he had been cut off. For all his raving and mouthing, the radio shock jock couldn't take anyone being honest with their opinion.

"You're a bloody liar and you're a shithouse bred hypocrite........" "Tremayne was saying, as the radio shock jock realised suddenly that all of this was going on-air. He found himself colouring up and trembling as he cut Tremayne off. "Oh, oh we seem to have lost Tremayne," he announced in a strangled voice. "We will go to music and when we come back, we will be talking with His Worship, the esteemed and great Mayor of Cairns, Colonel Ken Cush."

Colonel Cush had heard some of what "Tremayne" had said and he laughed. The shock jock looked sharply, accusingly at him, and Cush attempted to disguise it in a coughing fit. He noticed the shock jock had turned a beetroot red.

"There's some turds of people out there," said Cush when the coughing had died down.

"Oh, I know, I know," gushed the shock jock in aggrieved tones. "They think they can say whatever they like. Some of them are just so crude! You wonder what the world is coming to, you really do."

"Yes indeed," agreed Cush. "Cheeky buggars, all need sending into the army, over to Afghanistan for a couple of years, that'd straighten em all out."


The music break ending, the shock jock commenced the interview with Cush regarding the recent controversy in Cairns over the sale of Mt Whitfield to the Chinese Shang Hai Hangyang Corporation.

"So Mayor Cush," asked the shock jock, "I hope you read the Editorial in yesterdays "Cairns Post" begging the Councillors who voted against the sale, to go back to Council and rescind their vote?"

"Yes," said Cush, "and I congratulate the Editor of The Cairns Post for writing such a fine editorial, taking into consideration the needs of the city and the region...."

"He's a clever fellow," broke in the shock jock. "He's a good mate of mine and he has always impressed me as being passionate, just passionate about the needs of this city."

"Undoubtedly," agreed Cush passively. "The Cairns Post has always stood beside me as I have steered this city in the right direction...."

"You've changed the entire city ambience, since you were elected," gushed the shock jock, "I mean the streets of the central business district are just full of people and the night life is now just to die for. Just to die for, so many adult clubs and entertainment...."

"I gave the people of Cairns, just what they wanted," returned Cush. "The previous Council led by Mayor Schier wanted some unholy monstrosity of a performing arts theatre built on good land, which we have sold off to a Chinese corporation as you know for a good profit. "

"The building is magnificent, a real asset to Cairns with the Chinese national flag painted on the side overlooking the city," broke in the shock jock. "I mean so many tourists comment that it makes the skyline of Cairns so much more colourful."

Cush almost choked at this banality by the shock jock, however he merely nodded instead. Frankly, he was pissed off by the sight of the Chinese Communist flag overlooking the entire city, but few people apart from some old RSL boys had bothered to complain.

"Yes," said Cush. "People are very supportive of my decisions and they all tell me Cairns just is not the sort of city to have a fancy schmancy modern theatre so all the chardy drinking toffs can dress up in tuxes to go see the ballet."

"Exactly," said the shock jock, "I have been telling the people of Cairns that for years!"

"So I give them the type of entertainment the people really wanted, places like The Red Plum. Well, they tell me that there's standing room there only most nights, especially when Erris and her Snake are performing. Have you seen her show by the way?"

The shock jock had, of course. However he didn't think the details should go out on air. Not really. The Catholic Church, the womens groups, the feminist lobby, all had been up in arms and screaming their heads off when it was revealed that Erris, an "exotic" dancer from Thailand, performed certain erotic acts with her pet snake.

"Eeeer, yes, Mr Mayor, and I agree with you. Cairns people, so many of them, phoned me daily saying they didn't want a new theatre, and I agree, adult entertainment like The Red Plum is much more suitable for Cairns people and for the tourists, and let's face it, tourists want adult entertainment, not to see something ridiculous and stupid like Phantom of the Opera or Swan Lake. But let's move forward shall we, to this latest controversy over the sale of Mt Whitfield to the Chinese, Shanghai Hangyang Corporation. I mean, I can't understand why some Councillors voted against this? It is the best thing to happen to Cairns in a long long while. I mean, we have had no major project since the additions were built to the Cairsn Base Hospital. Governments all forget about us, and give everything to Townsville or the South East corner. Surely the Councillors must know this? Surely they know that this project, which is an Executive Training and Retreat complex, with over 3,000 rooms and almost an entire resort town, will be a major source of employment for the people of Cairns?"

The moment had come for Cush. He hoped it would come off, as he planned. Now was the time to be "cagey" and crafty.

"Well," he began, trying to sound laid back, "I guess those Councillors feel for the environment, and believe in the aesthetic value of the undeveloped hillslopes around Cairns , and don't see them in terms of economic value."

"Greenies!" spat back the shock jock. "I have been saying for years that these people are holding Cairns back, holding back our progress and development. I mean where do they get off?"

Cush could hardly believe his luck.

"Ahhhh," he began cautiously, "They have considerable ummm clout, if you like, even as far as our nation's Federal Parliament."

"Canberra?" the shock jock latched on like a pit bull on a bare leg. "What's Canberra got to do with this? This development is OUR decision, not Canberra's surely?"

Careful, careful, thought Cush. Just give him so much, he'll do the rest.

"Our Greens are represented in Canberra," Cush replied, "and they do have influence in many ways, and I'm afraid I can't go any further than that."

"You can't or you won't?" broke in the shock jock.

Cush could see the shock jocks mind racing away, making Olympic leaps into wrong conclusions, and he laughed inwardly. It was going better than he thought.

Cush took is time answering, making it seem that he was struggling. "Look, I really don't want to go into this in any more detail except to say that I won't be asking the Councillors to rescind the vote on the sale of Mt Whitfield. I feel I may have said more than I should as it is."

The shock jock was now all fired up, his mind, Cush knew, had already somersaulted to incorrect conclusions.

"Mr Mayor," said the shock jock in outraged tones, "Are you saying that the Greenies in the Council, the likes of Skye Lovelady and company, have called in Canberra on this issue? Is this what you are saying?"

Cush pretended to be embarrassed and a little distraught. Hastily, he pulled out his handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his face. "No, no, no," he muttered in an anguished soft voice. "Look, umm, I really can't talk about this any more except to say that the sale of Mt Whitfield won't be going ahead. And if you excuse me, that's all I am saying on the matter. I really must get back to Council."

Cush stood up, still wiping his face.

The look on the shock jock's face said it all. Cush could see exactly what he was thinking, and it was all he could do not to guaffaw out loud. Drop the tiniest little hint..........

Hastily, he shook the shock jock's hand, and left as quickly as he could.

Downstairs from the building, he switched on his car radio to listen to the rest of the program. The shock jock did exactly what Cush knew he would do.

"I hope everyone heard that interview with His Worship, the Mayor of Cairns, Colonel Ken Cush," the shock jock was saying. "It seems, if we can use our brains, and work out what he wasn't saying, or wasn't prepared to say, that our Greens Councillors, namely one Councillor Skye Lovelady, has been whinging and whining to Canberra about the sale of Mt Whitfield. I mean, the Mayor himself, is just too much a gentleman, too gallant to betray a lady, even if it is one of his own deceitful Councillors who has undermined him from the day they were elected."

The shock jock was in true form now and his voice rose higher with indignation. "Councillor Lovelady has obviously called in the Federal Government to stick their noses into a local government matter, and they have obviously threatened or intimidated our Mayor. Our wonderful Mayor, who has done great things, great things for this city."

"You wonder again, as I have said before many times on this program, at the sheer influence of this Councillor. I mean, how does she have such good friends in Canberra, to do her bidding whenever she snaps her fingers. How does she do it? How does she do it?."

"I have some callers online now, to discuss this latest development. Hello Reg of Redlynch."

"Ohhhh mate, maaaate," said Reg, who was a regular caller on the shock jocks radio program.
"I listened to Colonel Cush and I heard him well and good. He was too much of a gentleman to betray his Councillor even though she has obviously done the dirty on him."

"Exactly!" agreed the shock jock. "He's a thoroughly nice bloke, our Mayor. You know, people just don't know how nice he really is and when you see something like this, this treachery from a Councillor, and yet here he is, our Mayor, still unprepared to name her and shame her, still trying to protect her name..."

"Oooh I know, I know," said Reg. "So I reckon the people of Cairns should all get behind Colonel Cush and go down there to the Council offices tomorrow and let those Councillors like Lovelady know they want this project to go ahead. That'll teach Canberra to keep their bloody noses out!"

"I've been calling for a big counter demonstration for a few days now," agreed the shock jock. "And the time has come, Reg. I want all those tradies, concretors, painters, plumbers, wholesalers and so on, out there at the front of the Council offices tomorrow morning. A big demonstration to let the Councillors know, we want this Shanghai Hangyang development in our city."

The next caller was "Jimbo" from Mooroobool.

"Yeah mate," said Jimbo. "I'll be down there tomorrow morning, around 10ish I reckon, and I'll give that witch a bit of what for."

"Good on yer mate, that's the spirit!" said the shock jock. "Spread the word too mate!"


Driving back to the Cairns Regional Council offices, Cush laughed and laughed so hard, he almost had an accident in Spence Street. Tomorrow, he thought, was going to be a fun day!

To be continued...............


  1. Had a good laugh hey over what Wayne or Tremane said to the shock jock. Yeah but you are right about political correctness. Its supposed to stop us from behaving like fucken orcs to each other. Trouble is the orcs dont like it hey except of course when we give it right back at them. Dumb fucken orcs!

  2. ROFL had to have a bit of a laugh over the shock jock claiming what a nice bloke Cush is. How wrong could you be hey. Yet wasn't this the shock jock who stood up on a stage announcing how much he loved a multiple child killer? Christ Terry, he sounds so much like a certain shock jock we all know and despise here.

  3. A pretty good example of the mental gymnastics of a typical radio "shock jock" here, Terry. They are so mired in muck raking, hate mongering and worst case scenarios, they can no longer use reason or logic.
    Yeah I've heard a certain shock jock loudly condemning "political correctness" on his radio program. The same one who won't allow anyone from a different political party to the one he supports on his program. Get my drift?

  4. Ugh!! Surely, surely we could NEVER NEVER get such a horrible, crude, foul, debased, disgusting, revolting man as Cush as Mayor? Surely Cairns people would never NEVER NEVER allow places like the (shudder) "Red Plum" to operate here?

  5. Liz at work early14 December 2011 at 13:55

    Caroline, the recent debacle over the Cairns Entertainment Precinct was clear evidence of how easy it is to manipulate sections of the passive, non thinking public. Remember the catch cry, "It will be a white elephant!" Anyone with some skerrick of intelligence would know this as an outrageous and silly claim, yet people kept on parrotting it away. If the media promoted a man like Cush as a "really nice guy", a certain percentage of our population would accept it without question. Cush would, in their eyes, have the moral character of a Sir Cliff Richard. Terry has in fact done a good job with his blog of revealing just how easily people are deceived by todays so called "media". Remember what happened to the good Reverend, the "Sky Pilot from Bentley Park"? We all agreed in our comments that any man (or woman) of the cloth would be very easy targets for the media to destroy their reputations and credibility. Likewise, the opposite is true. It is all too easy for the media to exaggerate the qualities and abilities of a person today. Could we vote in a horrible scoundrel like Cush, in my opinion? I say without hesitation, "Yes".

  6. Without hesitation Liz, Cairns has already done just that in a certain "former" fat-cat Mayor. Congratulations BTW to Cairns and its' supporters including the current Mayor and of course Hillbilly Watch on not giving up on the Entertainment Precinct. Well done!

  7. Anonymous, I am a relative newcomer to Cairns, only arriving in 2009!

  8. What a cunning scoundrel Cush is, but also what a fool the shock jock is. How easy it is to manipulate some people.

  9. I dont listen to shock jocks. They are the grand drama queens of todays world, indulging in histrionics while providing misinformation, lies, half truths, sweeping generalisations and generally stroking peoples base instincts. Im sure if there was a study on them you would find they are either alcoholics, drug addicts or have other serious problems like megalomania.

  10. I really cracked up reading Tremaynes comments to the shock jock, and then when the shock jock whinged about people being rude. And how Cush laughed. It all cracks me up. I love reading this blog.

  11. Do you really think the mainstream media have that much credibility today Liz? Surely the success of social media as witnessed by the spread of the Occupy Movement in the USA is evidence that the mainstream media machine is declining in relevance?

  12. Anonymous, we have debated that issue in this blog before. Scenes such as the protestors in the USA turning on a Fox News journalist who went to cover an "Occupy" event, with chants of "FOX NEWS LIES! FOX NEWS LIES!" is hard evidence that the credibility of the mainstream media is no longer taken for granted in some quarters. However, I feel there does exist a certain proportion of the population who either lack critical thinking skills or who just believe in the authority of the media machine. Cairns, as a city, has large pockets of conservative people who would fall in the latter category I feel.

  13. Interesting debate. I'm inclined to think the mainstream media is in decline with the spectacular popularity of social media.

  14. Yes, as discussed above, "political correctness" was designed as some sort of social brake, if you like, to encourage tolerance and politeness. It is true that the people who rail against it the most are exactly the same people who complain the most when you don't observe the etiquette of "political correctness" in communicating with them. As bogan said above, "Fucken orcs!" I think that nicely sums them up.

  15. Just loooove the way you portray the sycophancy and moronic intellect of the people who like to call radio talk back hosts and agree with them on everything, Terry. They are the same people and they invariably start off with, "Ooooh you are so right" OR "I totally agree with you" - yadda yadda.

  16. Its called sucky sucky sucky. For some peoples its their favorite hobby in life.

  17. I always laugh at Wayne who phones the shock jock up all the time and when the shock jock says oh oh we seem to have lost Wayne.

  18. Ahhh the calculated cunning of the political animal! Well done Vance, albeit you over simplified it. This is exactly the type of action which the cunning politico will do to achieve his goals. Colonel Cush has calculated the shock jocks fawning sycophancy and loyalty, dropped him a few hints and put on a bit of an act in doing so. Of course the shock jock was going to arrive at a dangerous conclusion. He doesn't have the intelligence to understand how he is being craftily manipulated nor does he have the intellect to even guess the real reasons why the sale of Mt Whitfield cannot go ahead. Your shock jock reminds me so much of another certain shock jock, Vance.

  19. Bloody hell, Eckers, your shock jock reminds you of another certain or did you mean to say cretin bloody shock jock??? Have you been sleeping under a rock or what? Interesting to hear that the pus-mongering, zoo-scrounging, toilet-bowl-licking tongue, of Cairns,(and we all know who that is) maybe stepping down! Viva Val! As an ex-pat of Cairns, and a FNQ born and bred, thanks Terry for keeping the 'fictional BASTARDS' in tune, with what is going on out there! Great copy, BTW.

  20. Jesus bloody Christ Vance, where's the next episode? You keep us hanging on for days now. We want to know what the dastardly Dark Lord of Cairns, Col. Cush is up to and whether he gets the chop or not.

  21. I second bogan above. Where the hell are you Vance? Youre getting slacker and slacker as time goes on. Yeah we all know this is a pissweak blog, if it was on paper you would wrap the dogs turds in it. Like others Im only hanging in here waiting to see Cush get his just rewards. Youve sucked us all in and now your stuffing us around mate.

  22. While this blog reads nicely as fiction that is said to be parroting reality, the reality as encapsulated at the blog is a far sight more engaging. I love reading both and comparing fiction to the reality.

  23. Thanks CBD Warrior for the compliment! I am a fan of "Hillybilly Watch" as well as other readers of this blog. I note bogan (the Rodney Rude of Cairns, as someone called him) posts in "Hillbilly" as does Neil and Bob R.
    bogan and Bob. R. the next episode will be posted after Christmas. Give me a break. I'm spending a few days quality time with my kids.

  24. A different side to the relationship between shock jocks and their favoured politicians, hey Terry? Good one, the shock jock being deliberately manipulated by the crafty calculating politician. I wonder how often that goes on in reality? Not many of course would have the intelligence to know they were being manipulated.

  25. Once again, a very entertaining story line Vance. Although there are times when your blog lurches off the track and wanders off into a banal soap opera, but you are able to steer the plot back on course. Your blog reveals you are politically savvy and astute and I suspect you have had a fair bit of experience at the writing trade. Whatever, there isn't any doubt you have captured a reasonable audience in Cairns. Part of your success I feel is due to your audience and people like "bogan".

  26. We have had this conversation before about the role of "shock jocks" Terry. From what I saw and heard in Australia earlier this year, your media is definitely biased, but not like here in the USA where the media today has become the voice for the corporate oligarchy running the country. There is a huge difference, at this point in time.

  27. hehe good comment there BoB R mate. This blog if it was on paper would only be good for wrapping up the dogs turds in. Christ I laughed hey.

  28. As a reader of both blogs, ie Hillbilly Watch and Cush, I think both blogs have value and are worth the time for a bit of a gander. They are poles apart of course. Hillbilly is satirical news commentary. Cush is social and political fiction satire. I find Vance's style and plot erratic at times as he wanders off on a little sub-plot from time to time, but then wanders back to the general plot. He has had editing problems which other readers have pointed out. Overall it has given me some good laughs and some memorable characters such as the devious scoundrels Cush and Horsey, the bizarre, ganga loving Dunnysmore, Cush's trophy bride, Brandi, and of course the lesbian Mums and their precocious daughter, Monsoon. It is a pity there are not any cartoons or illustrations, however I think Vance crafts his characters so well you can really see them in your minds eye. It isn't the physical descriptions Vance gives us. It is in the dialogue of the characters that we draw our images from. This is a sign of really good writing. Vance has an obvious ear for language. I guess like others I am "sucked in" waiting to see the demise of Cush.