Monday, 9 May 2011


Cush was received with enthusiastic cordiality by the Cairns Chamber of Commerce at their luncheon meeting. As he was introduced to the gathering of local businessmen and the odd woman or two, the audience clapped and cheered.

He beamed delightedly as someone called out, "Thank Christ we've a Mayor with balls enough to get rid of those bloody flying foxes!"

"Amen to that!" said another voice. "Hear, hear!" echoed many more.

Cush was amongst friends. Feeling a surge of pride he started his speech, beginning with his election campaign slogans:

"Cairns needs a STRONG leader, a STRONG man, a STRONG voice, and a STRONG direction....
I am that man. As someone said here today, a Mayor with BALLS...."

Cush stopped here and gave a self-satisfied grin. "Your last Mayor was a bit deficient in that department.....".
The lunching audience all laughed again. Except for the two women, who shot knowing looks at each other, then grimaced in unison.

Enough of a public speaker, to know he had his audience in the palms of his hands, Cush
hurried on. He was feeling peckish and, judging by the menu at the restaurant, the chow looked pretty good.

'Since being elected to Office last year, in an unprecedented landslide, might I point out, I have been hard at work, bringing the deplorable state of finance which the previous Council administration created, into some semblance of order and reducing the huge deficit. I
inherited the biggest deficit budget in Queensland....."

"That is absolute rubbish," called out someone in the audience. "Brisbane, Townsville, Rockhampton and Mackay had larger operating deficits, than Cairns Regional Council had last year."

"Aaaaay?" said Cush, looking around the audience to see who was talking. He spotted a thin, elegant looking man sitting at a table with the only two women present.

Cush rallied, instantly on the offensive. "No-one take any notice of that apologist for women Mayors," he sneered. "He's probably the old Mayor's hairdresser or dressmaker!"

There was a snickering of approval amongst the audience, as Cush continued with his self-congratulatory brag of a speech.

"I decided the city could not afford to waste good ratepayers monies on luxuries such as art, artists, potters, buskers, tin-can players, bicyclists and all the other hanger-ons
sucking off the public teat which the previous female Mayor pandered to, so generously. So I abolished completely all Community funding by my Council and I also ceased allocating funds to building more of those ridiculous hippy bicycle lanes. This gave the Council considerable savings. Added to this we sold the land which the previous Council had designated as some sort of entertainment precinct, or as some people rightly said, "A monument to an ego." This sale also provided us with some considerable sums. As a result of this sound financial management, I have been the only Mayor in the entire country, able to keep the rates at the same level as last years...."

Loud cheering and clapping greeted this, and Cush couldn't stop himself from smiling even more broadly.

"Next, I have made considerable innovations with the character of Cairns, since my overwhelming election. Unlike the previous Mayor who seemed blinded by Victorian age prudery or whatever, I have approved and supported the development of a sophisticated "Club Industry" here in Cairns. I have approved six such night clubs with another two applications currently before Council. Cairns is a sophisticated city, and our tourists need adult entertainment. I point out that since the development of the Club Industry in Cairns, our inner central business district has bloomed in patronage. People just can't get enough of the delights of our wonderful Night Clubs!"

As he spoke, Cush recalled fleetingly a visit from the local Police Superintendent a few weeks back. The smarty pants Superintendent called in to tell him, Cush, that the Sex Clubs had attracted elements of Sydney and Melbourne's underworld to Cairns. "Well, isn't that your bloody job to watch 'em?" thundered Cush, buggared why the Superintendent was there in his Mayor's office telling him this. He wanted to tell the poker shit faced Superintendent, that he couldn't give a toss, but thought he would humour him along, and make the right responses like "Tsk, tsk, tsk". It was all he could do, to stifly his yawns as the Superintendent read off Police statistics of knifings, bashings, drug deals and sightings of key underworld personalities in the Cairns Clubs. "Yeah, but how many of the perpetrators and victims are indigenous?" broke in Cush, at one point. The Superintendent bared his teeth. Fucken dickhead! thought Cush.
"The perps from the Clubs are all white," the Superintendent replied. "Oh, goodness me," said Cush, feigning some emotion. "That's a bit of a turn about for Cairns, isn't it? What're youse going to do about it then?"

Cush could see the Cairns Chamber of Commerce were pleased with the development of the Night Club industry in Cairns. At night, Lake Street in particular, was ablaze with lights, music, with throngs of people milling round. On week-ends the city was packed with local tourists, and the Cairns hotels and tourist accommodations were recording full occupancy rates.

He continued his speech:-

"I have also received an answer from the American Pentagon in response to my suggestion that the American military look to Cairns as a venue for R & R for their servicemen and women currently in service in the Pacific. I am pleased to tell you all here today that the Pentagon has confirmed that the US military is indeed interested in the city of Cairns as a major recreation centre for its servicemen and women, and that they would like to construct several accommodations, large accommodations in the city and surrounds to house their servicemen."

More cheers and clapping greeted this announcement, and many people stood up!

"It's what we need, more construction," said someone.

"The US military usually supply their own construction crews and materials," said the thin man, however no-one but the two women heard him, so busy were they cheering Cush.

Cush enjoyed himself immensely, and enjoyed his huge lunch afterwards. Washing it down with a few pots of beer, he began to feel sleepy around 2.00pm when the lunch officially ended and attendees began leaving.

Outside, he hailed a cab, and went straight back to his unit, where he intended to kip for a few hours, satisfied and well pleased with his reception by the Cairns Chamber of Commerce. As he always thought, he was the best fucken Mayor the city had ever had! Ever!

To be continued.....


  1. and I reckon Cush will give the Key of the City to the US Military with a lot of adoring coverage and fanfare from the local media. Heheh, what a tranformation for a city. The Sydney and Melbourne underworld is seeking a sea-change by moving to Cairns, and the US military are poised to move in. Now what else can Cush do to fuck an entire city. Look forward to reading more.

  2. Dunno 'bout the underworld moving here. Maybe a few, with a few home grown ones thrown in. Thanks for the comments Anon.

  3. I'm loving your new Blog Terry!! (wanna email me for a secret coffee? ;-)