Monday, 4 July 2011


"You know we got to get rid of this fucken happy clappin' Jesus lovin commie do-gooder,"
Cush said as he stretched back in the chair in his Mayoral office while downing a few drinks with Deputy Mayor Horsey.

"Too fucken right," agreed Horsey. "See on the TV news last night that he led this big
demonstration in Melbourne against the war in Afghanistan, like a fucken Pied fucken

"Piper!" Cush roared, leaning forward and pushing some A4 pages across the table to Horsey.
"Don't fucken talk to me about fucken Pipers!"

"Hey, what's this then? Horsey asked as he picked the sheets up and quickly scanned them.

"Dom fucken Piper and that weasel little poofter, Bomboniere are both resigning from the Party and from my Council team," Cush snarled back.

"Jesus bloody Christ, that's all we fucken need," Horsey replied angrily.

Cush sat up straight in his chair and swung round to face Horsey. "We got to look at our numbers in the Council now. If this Jesus lovin' commie prick wins Division 2 on Saturday and if old Phil has another heart attack or something, then we're stuffed. And you know we got so much on the agenda. We got those applications from Stringfellows waiting, they want to open up a Club in Cairns and one in Port. Then we got a buyer for those bloody Council pensioner cottages we want to flog off, and we got a buyer for that Whitfield land."

Horsey nodded thoughtfully. Phil Browne, the Councillor for Division 4 had already had open heart surgery and the general understanding was his prognosis was not good. Time was ticking away for the seventy-four year old Councillor who had made it plain he did not want to retire.
If he had another attack and if the Reverend Harmon won the coming by-election, the Cush team could very well lose control of the Cairns Regional Council. Horsey couldn't bear to think about it, not with everything going so well. There would be a special "commission" for himself and Cush for approving the Stringfellows "Gentlemen's Clubs", as well as some nice tidy sums from the sale of the Council owned land at Whitfield, and the sale of the pensioners cottages.
They were onto a good bloody thing alright.

"So, what are we gonna do about this fucken sky pilot then?" he asked Cush.

Cush gave a dirty chuckle. "Throw a bit of pussy in his face. You know what those "reverends" are all like. They can't resist it. Don't worry about the community. These days the Church is so bloody full of paedophiles and sexual deviates that the community will believe anything."

Horsey laughed. Cush was right. People were all too willing to instantly and without question believe the worst about men of the cloth.

"I reckon I might be able to get one of the strippers from The Red Plum to run along to our good friends at "The Cairns Post" and tell them a few stories about the good Reverend," Horsey grinned.

Cush bellowed his approval. "How much ya reckon?"

Horsey did a quick calculation. "Probably about five thou each. We got to give the girl a chance to leave town quick smart after she's been down to "The Cairns Post" and set up somewhere else in Australia or preferably overseas."

Cush nodded. "No worries. You arrange the payment and I'll pay you back later. And when the fucken sky pilot from Bentley Park is dog shit, then we got to do something about Dom fucken Piper. We'll make him wish he'd never been born mate."

It didn't take Horsey long to find his girl. "Dilly" from The Red Plum was an addict, and, as Jaye the Manager of The Red Plum had told him, she would do "anything for money."

"You give me money now," demanded Dilly as Horsey explained what he needed her to do.
"I will give you two thousand up front," Horsey replied as he handed over the notes. "And the remaining eight thousand when we see the article about the Reverend Harmon appear in the pages of The Cairns Post either tomorrow or the day after."

"So," said Dilly, "I go to Cairns Post in Abbott Street, I know the building and I tell boss man there that this man of God, this Reverend man, he is good customer of The Red Plum and that I have sex with him couple of times."

Horsey nodded. "That's all you have to do," he smiled.

Dilly smiled too. It was the easiest money she would ever make!

As Horsey left The Red Plum, Dilly freshened her make-up and pulled a short latex mini skirt over her g-string to make the journey to The Cairns Post building two streets away. Before leaving however, she couldn't resist bragging about her windfall to someone, so she sent an SMS text message to her girlfriend, Candy, who was also a stripper at The Red Plum. "Just got two thousand dollar give to me! Lucky me!"

Unknown to Dilly, Candy and her addict boyfriend Jimbo were standing immediately out front of The Red Plum when Candy received the SMS message. They were both discussing how Dilly could have received such a sum of money when they spotted Dilly walking up the side of the building and turning to walk down the street. Jimbo only had eyes for her shoulder bag, swinging jauntily at her side as she strutted along on her high heels.

Motioning Candy to stay put, Jimbo slowly took off after Dilly. In the end, Dilly didn't know what hit her. She came to, with a throbbing egg shaped lump on the back of her head at the back of some empty buildings. Her shoulder bag lay opened beside her. She cried as she saw the money, the precious money, was gone.


The Reverend Matthew Harmon leaned back on the chair in his study at his modest home in Bentley Park. His campaign was going extremely well. Oh, after his television appearances he had had so many people come forward and volunteer their services for his campaign.

All his campaign materials, corflutes and handbills had been provided by people working in the IT industry locally. Volunteers had joined him as he door knocked most of the homes in his Division 2. He had been gratified with the response of the people. Most people agreed that Cairns desperately needed "cleaning up". Yes, people were worried over the rising level of organised crime and the growing drug trade in Cairns. Yes, people wanted Council to provide more for the sporting and community services. Yes, people wanted Council to build another Civic Theatre.

He had so many volunteers to man all the voting booths on Saturday, that it was all arranged. Amber even had ladies volunteering to make sandwiches for the poll workers, and to cook for the celebratory victory that evening. Matt Harmon smiled. He had never ever wanted a public profile, prefering to do God's work quietly and without public recognition. However, events had just well, happened and he ended up sort of caught up in it all, like being part of a fast moving tumbleweed.

However, he had to be honest to himself and to God. He liked it! He had thoroughly enjoyed leading the anti Afghanistan war demonstrations and he enjoyed making the speeches. He thrived on the TV appearances. Oh some of the Church hierarchy had made some protests about religion and politics shouldn't mix, but generally speaking the Church was not interfering. The Socialist Workers Party were pleased that his high profile was assisting the party, and party organisers were reporting that membership was steadily increasing.

He was looking forward to taking his seat in the Council Chamber, representing Division 2 in the Cairns Regional Council. He had so much to fight for. His first priority would be to raise the issue of re-instating Council funding for community sporting groups. As a former Taipans basketballer, the Reverend coached junior basketball, and there was an ugent need for more facilities for the juniors in Cairns. The Reverend intended making that a pet project. Above all else however, the Reverend was determined to close down the "Gentlemen's Night Club" industry which had bloomed under the Cush Council, and restore decency to the city. He still smarted whenever he heard Cairns referred to in the Southern media, as the "sex capital of Queensland" or "sin city". It wasn't the Cairns he had grown up in or the Cairns he wanted!
He didn't doubt that the people of Division 2 supported his views.

All he could do now, was to wait these last few days. He knew he was up against a high powered campaign with massive amounts of money being thrown behind Bud Yarrow's bid for the Divisional seat. As well, the local media were openly and enthusiastically supporting Bud Yarrow. Each day it seemed the local "shock jock" on radio Cairns was informing people that it was a "great honour for people to have a luminary such as Bud Yarrow prepared to give up his valuable time and energy to represent the people...". Not only was it disgusting slobbering sycophancy, but it was a brazen denial of democracy, the Reverend reasoned.
Individuals should be honoured to be chosen by the people to represent them, not the other way around. However, the shock jock on radio Cairns had his supporters. The Reverend laughed out loud as "Boyd of Redlynch" came online:

"Oh mate," began Boyd, on the talk-back show, "you're right. The people of Bentley Park and so on are just so lucky mate, so lucky that someone like this Bud Yarrow is prepared to, I mean he is prepared to give his time, as you say. I mean the man knows how to make money for himself, so he could be out there making a few more million, instead he's prepared to give it all up and come and work for the people. He sounds just the man we need."

"Boyd of Redlynch" was followed by "Marva" a regular talk-back contributor who spoke with a heavy European accent. "Marva" was in tears. "Oh I like this Mr Yarrow mans very very much. He is a rich mans so he knows a lot I thinks. Why we have to have election on Saturday when this communist Reverend might get elected? I come from communist country. We shouldn't have any election. Our wunnerful Mayor, His Worship Mr Cush should just appoint this Mr Yarrow. Having elections is helping the communists. I know this..."

"I agree, I agree," interrupted the shock jock. "Why are we bothering with this election? Why are we wasting all this money on filling one single vacancy on the Council? You wonder at the monkeys in charge of things. "We all know Bud Yarrow who is incidentally a close friend of His Worship the Mayor, Colonel Ken Cush, who is the best Mayor this city has ever had, I might remind you all, this Bud Yarrow is without doubt, the best man possible to represent Division 2. Why are the fools going ahead with a stupid election then?"

The next caller was "Wayne from Mt Sheridan".

"Because mate," said Wayne in a very firm voice, "this is a democracy where people decide who gets elected, not bloody suckholing arsehole shock jocks.............."

"Oh oh, we seem to have lost Wayne from Mt Sheridan," growled the shock jock.

The Reverend Matthew Harmon laughed so hard he almost fell off his chair.

To be continued..............



  1. Christ I laughed. "fucken Pied fucken Piper." and then "uh oh we seem to have lost Wayne"
    Keep it up mate give us a laugh hey.

  2. More twists and turns in the plot hey Terry? But surely Cush and Co are not going to allow the good Reverend to win? Wouldn't they be also putting pressure on the other candidates to direct preferences their way and so on? And what's this about selling off the old pensioner cottages?

  3. Keep on reading Liz. I'm not going to give my plot away. As for the pensioner cottages, Cush and Horsey have quite a few "irons in the fire" so to speak.

  4. Stringfellows Clubs? Shit mate if the male population of Cairns heard that the sky pilot wanted to refuse their applications, he wouldn't score a single vote from them. Fair dinkum.

  5. Hope you have read the series to date Bob. It explains a lot.

  6. You got to keep on bringing back that bloody bottler "Wayne from Mt Sheridan" mate. yeah I reckon I know who he is too hey.

  7. ROFL Anonymous. What a good idea! Wayne sticks it to the shock jocks. Maybe I can bring Wayne back again, make him a regular caller, but of course he would have to change his name as I understand the shock jocks of radio like to screen their callers and some callers are just not allowed to voice their opinions. Thanks for the suggestion Anonymous.

  8. Hey you can send that Dilly in a g string and latex mini skirt down to Townsville any time mate. Christ I laughed hey when I read this one.

  9. Hey Terry, bloody funny stuff mate hey...I believe you have politics down-pat mate. Could Wayne's the "regular caller" surname be...Kerr????? Ha ha, ROTFLMFAO!!!

  10. Anonymous, Dilly is a free spirit. No doubt she will wander down to Tville in her own good time. Anonymous above, I wouldn't know who Wayne could be. Whoever, he's worth bringing back, sparring with the local shock jocks. Should provide for some good moments in the series, so keep on reading! In fact I may even do a Chapter on "The Shock Jock of Radio Cairns".

  11. Just a suggestion here mate. Your series is good, but would be better presented with some caricatures occasionally. With the right type of artwork, it would increase the appeal of the blog and instantly put people in the right frame of mind to sit back and have a few chuckles.

  12. Thanks for the suggestion Neil. I have thought about the same thing myself. However, it is a matter of finding a good artist!

  13. I have only just come across your blog, since attending the Ukulele Festival held in Cairns. I'm from California. It is interesting to read where Cairns has its "shock jocks" like we do in the States. Our Rush Limbaugh is one of the worst, daily feeding listeners his dose of poison and hate. It shames me to say he has been openly racist with his views on our President.

  14. Welcome to Cairns Sherry. I hope you enjoyed the Ukulele Festival. Perhaps someone may have filled you in with the details of how the local "shock jocks" tried their best to sabotage the ukulele festival? Yes, even in the far reaches of Cairns, Australia, have we heard about Rush Limbaugh. Sadly, we have plenty of Rush Limbaugh wannabes in Australia today.

  15. Sherry from California6 July 2011 at 16:44

    Thanks for your reply Terry. Im sitting here with my laptop in the foyer of my hotel waiting for a tour bus. Cairns people have been very friendly and welcoming to us all. However we have been told how the local shock jocks heaped scorn and ridicule on the ukulele festival. I have heard that your local newspaper, the Cairns Post also conducted a smear campaign. This was very disconcerting for we Americans. Australia has always seemed a very liberal and tolerant country embracing successful multiculturalism and diversity of interests. To hear that a local newspaper would use their muscle to try and ruin a family orientated musical festival is very disturbing. It would seem that Cairns has a lot of negative forces fighting against its lifestyle and tourist appeal. You all have to stand up and fight this. If those negative forces had been successful in killing the ukulele festival then I fear they would have grown bolder with their success and used their muscle to restrict other events. Lastly, (my friend is telling me to write this) my friends and I would never have come here to Cairns if it had not been for the Ukulele Festival. Incidentally, in my hotel there are many people from all over the world who attended the festival.

  16. Woohoo, thank you Sherry for your comments. I share your thoughts on the attempts by the local media machine to sabotage the Ukulele Festival. It wasn't pleasant however I must point out that it was totally unprecedented in this city and more to do with the individual personalities of the media people involved. (Narrow minded rednecks who probably idolise Rush Limbaugh.) It is good to read comments from Americans. My blog is now read all over the world, and it is heartening to see comments being posted from people other than Aussies. Hope you and your friend enjoy your tour today!

  17. Scott of Fresno, CA.7 July 2011 at 02:45

    I'm Sherrys partner. Sherry and I have been reading the blog together this evening while having some drinks at the hotel. We have both enjoyed the series and had quite a few laughs. Your accounts of the "shock jocks" are similar to what we are experiencing in the USA. There are fiction blogs in the States but it is my opinion that your blog, the subject matter and the style is most likely unique. We look forward to reading more when we get back home. God bless you.

  18. Hey Terry, sounds like you have fans around the bloody world now mate, can you speed things up? Sitting here with a beer and not alot happening in this neck of the woods. You've got me sucked right in mate! Can't wait for the next bloody episode, stick it up them bloody shock-jocks, still to this day do I shudder when I hear that name Mcxxxxxx...

  19. Thank you Scott for the compliments. I'm chuffed to see Americans posting on the blog.
    As for Anonymous above, there will be another post on the week-end. Stay tuned!

  20. ROFL Terry. I just see in Rob Pyne's (Rock News) that the Cairns Regional Council have approved another Girlie Bar for Cairns.

  21. Not a bad effort at satire. Your style is pretty similar to that of Ben Elton's.

  22. What praise Harry Who! I've just blushed down to my toes with pleasure.

  23. Ben Elton....Harry, Whoooo? Ha Ha. I'll sit back and just SUCK my own jock-strap...This is total satirical bloody satire, if YOU can do better than this, ha bloody ha, let us ALL know!

  24. Wooh, you're carrying some ruffled feathers there Anonymous, as well as a soggy jock-strap.

  25. LOL, a good riposte there Terry. Where is the next episode? You are slowing down.

  26. As soon as I have the time Liz.