Wednesday, 13 July 2011


THE PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA, Malcolm Turnbull, could feel his temper beginning to roil and simmer. He flexed his hands under the table, sucked in his cheeks and looked at the clock. 15 minutes past 2PM. To all watching he looked calm and controlled. Only his Deputy Prime Minister, Julie Bishop sitting beside him was aware of the brewing anger.

The ALP Leader, Ms Penny Wong had deliberately left them all waiting, he was sure of it.

The Prime Minister had organised for the House of Representatives staff to personally call upon all the people he needed to see for this urgent meeting, and remind them it was a meeting they should not miss. Everyone else was here, all on time. He did a check around the long boardroom table, once again silently cursing the stupidity of the Australian voter.

At the 2013 Federal Election, the ALP lost office. That wasn't unexpected, Turnbull reflected, as Australians objected to Julia Gillard's proposed Carbon Tax and her inept handling of the issue. The Aussie voter had also thrown out the only Greens member in the House of Representatives as well. Yet, Malcolm mourned silently, the voter also turned away from the Liberal National Party. Tony Abbott was too unpopular, especially after all his gymnastics on climate change and whatever else..Turnbull couldn't care about the reasons why. He disliked Abbott intensely and was glad he was now relegated to the back benches under his, Turnbull's leadership. Just before the Federal Election was called, pollsters revealed the LNP would suffer huge losses if a new leader was not in place. Malcolm Turnbull therefore delightedly found himself restored as Parliamentary Leader of the Federal LNP. Strange things happen in politics.

No-one however could have predicted the result. Voters turned away from both major parties in their hundreds of thousands, with both the LNP and ALP suffering huge losses. Instead, voters selected a rag tag babble of select interest groups. In a cruel irony, both the LNP and ALP received an equal number of seats in the House of Representatives, echoing the hung Parliament of 2010. Malcolm had cursed as he realised whoever got into Government had to do deals with two Rastafarian looking aboriginal members of the "First Nation Party"; two members of the "Gay and Lesbian Rights Party"; a Queensland representative of Pauline Hanson's "One Nation Party" and three members of the "Australian Seniors Party", as well as a gaggle of non-aligned independents such as Queensland's Bob Katter and Tasmania's Andrew Wilkie.

The result was not to Malcolm Turnbull's liking. The LNP held a slippery grip on Government only with the help of Bob Katter, the two Gay & Lesbian Rights Party representatives, the One Nation Party representative and one Fred Nile type independent. To be truthful, Malcolm Turnbull thought to himself, it was a fucken nightmare! Julia Gillard had it cushy compared to the wheeling and dealing, negotiations and compromises he had to do. Frankly, it had pissed him off. On one hand he had the gays wanting legalisation of same-sex marriages, on the other the Fred Nile independent demanding he didn't legalise same sex marriages. One independent wanted the Government Intervention in the Northern Territory overturned and a softening in attitude of the Australian Government towards illegal immigrants, while the other wanted the opposite. Turnbull was pissed off with them all. Take this bloody meeting, for instance, if he had full control of Government, he would meet with Ms bloody Wong in his office and they would have had just a short meeting about this bloody awful bloody matter. And it would all over in about five minutes.

"She's here!" broke in Julie Bishop, leaning forward in her chair to the Prime Minister.

"So glad the Leader of the Opposition finally remembered this meeting," Malcolm said curtly, "Now let's get down to business."

Every head at the table turned towards the Prime Minister and in the few seconds following there was complete silence except for the sound of gentle snores coming from the seat of Dr Stephens, one of the representatives of the Australian Seniors Party.

Andrew Wilkie, sitting beside Dr Stephens shook him gently awake. "Hey Doc," he said,
"wakey wakey!"

Dr. Stephens awoke with a start and looked sleepily around. "The hospital has done very well, very well indeed!" he said in his soft, quavery voice.

"I'm glad he's one of yours Penny," quipped Joe Hockey, with a quick laugh.

"That's enough Joe," warned the Prime Minister. "We're all gathered here today for a very serious matter. I have a video to show you all and before I do I must ask if there is anyone here who has health problems, because the contents of this video are very disturbing. No flip comments from you Joe or I will send you OUT!" He looked warningly at Joe Hockey, who was smiling.

"Ohhh dear, oh dearie me," broke in Dr Stephens, struggling to his feet. "I have a matter of high blood pressure, perhaps I should go then."

"Anyone else?" the Prime Minister asked.

No-one else in the room moved, as the Doctor, one of the Australian Seniors Party representative and the oldest member of Parliament, slowly walked out.

"Off for a grandpa nap in his office," whispered Hockey, earning a baleful stare from other members of The Australian Seniors Party.

"Now that I have your undivided attention," said the Prime Minister. "I have called you all here today because an issue has come up which is urgent and, quite frankly, a matter of grave international delicacy. It has to be dealt with urgently and with as much secrecy as possible."

Every member in the room was now giving the Prime Minister their full attention. Even Joe Hockey who had noticed a button had pulled open on Julie Bishop's blouse, revealing a certain expanse of cleavage.

Prime Minister Turnbull turned to the large screen mounted on the wall behind him.

"I will be showing you a video soon, but before I do, I just want to give you a briefing on what it is all about. "

"A few days ago, I was contacted by the President of Indonesia, Mr Susilo Yudhoyono and the President of Vietnam, Nguyen Minh Triet. What they told me was just horrific and what you see and hear today will affect you as much as it affected me. Authorities in those countries have been chasing a mass killer for some years. A killer whose victims are all children, some as young as three years of age. A killer whose crimes have been so terrible that the Indonesian and Vietnamese authorities have combined to find this monster. The Presidents tell me that the media in their respective countries have been putting pressure on their Governments to find and deal with this monstrous killer of children. In fact, in Indonesia, there was a huge demonstration outside the Indonesian Parliament by people demanding the authorities find the killer and bring him to justice. Well, that killer has been found, and the evidence to prove his guilt is quite substantial and beyond any doubt. There are witness accounts and even DNA samples, as well as a substantial number of images taken by mobile phones. "

The Prime Minister paused, and looked across at the faces around the table. "It is my unpleasant duty to inform you that the culprit, the man the Indonesian media have named "the Monster of Denpasar" is an Australian man. The Indonesian President wants him delivered to that country as soon as possible for a trial. "

Malcolm Turnbull turned towards the big screen behind him. "I'm now going to show you all the video which was sent to me by the President of Indonesia.. I warn you all it does show some particularly gruesome and disturbing scenes...."

The Members of Parliament watched as they listened to both Presidents of Indonesia and
Vietnam implore the Australian Government to assist them in bringing a mass murderer to justice. Both Presidents used interpreters, however the emotion both Presidents were experiencing was obvious to all who listened. The Indonesian President in particular did not hide his rising, angry voice. Both Presidents made it plain that unless the murderer was delivered to Indonesia before the coming Monday, they would take certain actions against Australia. The first would be to deny entry to either Indonesia or Vietnam of all Australians. They meant business!

The addresses by the two Presidents came to a close and images of bloodied and mangled bodies flashed across the screen. Julie Bishop screamed and put her hand over her mouth. Penny Wong closed her eyes and shuddered.

"Dear God," muttered Andrew Wilkie, "What manner of monster have we got here in Australia?"

"To do this to little children," said Bob Katter, his voice a high pitched squeak.

The images ceased and the Prime Minister turned to face the table of representatives.
His own face had blanched at seeing the images and he looked grey and haggard.

There was the sound of gagging, and one of the Australian Seniors Party stood and rushed to the door. Joe Hockey quickly threw him a waste paper basket. Just as the door closed, they could hear the sound of copious vomiting.

"If anyone else wants to leave," said Malcolm Turnbull, "I won't stop you."

"However, I am agreeing to the demands of the Indonesian and Vietnamese Governments and I have already contacted the Australian Federal Police. They have located the man, and an RAAF airplane will be flying out of Australia tomorrow night to fly him direct to a secret airfield in Indonesia. I have arranged for AFP officers and some members of the Australian armed forces to firstly apprehend the man and then to accompany him out of Australia."

"Due to the delicacy of this matter, and the repercussions to Australia, and even the possible danger to Australians in those countries, I am asking that this matter be kept under wraps until at least Monday when this monster is in Indonesian hands."

Everyone nodded.

Ever the legal eagle, Ms Wong asked, "Will he be allowed Australian legal counsel?"

The Prime Minister nodded. "Yes, although the trial will be fast tracked. They don't want to leave it too long."

To be continued................


  1. Terry, you've changed course from light political banter to a dark, dark place...Bud Yarrow mate, leave him to the Indonesians...

  2. Who said it was Mr Yarrow? It could be Mr Dunnysmore, or even a certain "shock jock" in Cairns?

  3. Sheeesh, a bloody dark place alright mate. No laughs here. Hope you lighten up a bit next time around.

  4. Stay tuned Bob. It isn't a dark place all the time!

  5. Malcolm Turnbull's belief in climate change and the need for some form of carbon tax saw him at odds with the LNP some years back and Abbott challenged him successfully for the leadership. Still, as you said strange things happen in politics. Wouldn't surprise me if Australians just swap one minority government for another.

  6. Ive just read this episode and I agree with what the others say. Its not your style Terry. We know Cush is a mongrel but we can laugh at him and his cunning ways but we cant laugh at this shit.

  7. We talk about and demand "transparency of Government" don't we? Yet, as this dark episode reveals, there are times when it is in everyones interests for certain matters to be kept under wraps. There are occasions when our elected representatives cannot be as "transparent" as we would want them to be. ,
    Terry, this was a real departure from your usual content. I also hope it lightens up in future
    episodes. Like many others here, I enjoy your blog for its skitterish and irreverent adult humour. Your blog "skitters" along at a fast pace, poking fun here and there, exposing local hypocracies with rollicking humour and sharp wit, and gives us a good belly laugh. When I come home at night, tired and depressed after a day listening to other peoples problems, frankly I dont want to read about a child killer.

  8. Thanks for the comments people. This episode was written for a reason. Continue reading! All will be revealed.

  9. So many Aussies go to Bali and Vietnam these days. All sorts of businesses being operated by Australians in those countries as well. Bali is a popular honeymoon destination for Australians. I don't suppose the Prime Minister would have any other option but to acquiese to the two Presidents demands. I can only imagine if the killer is tried in Indonesia would face a firing squad.

  10. Satire isn't just about using humour to highlight the craziness and stupidity amongst us. Satire also involves the use of IRONY and Terry is obviously setting us up for this. It is pretty obvious to me what is going to happen in the next couple of instalments, however I'm interested to see how Terry brings it off. The American writer, Joseph Heller was a master of satire and used irony to great effect in his brilliant "Catch 22". For those of you who are enjoying this satire, I would recommend you all try and read "Catch 22".

  11. Terry has set the stage for some dramatic irony. Like Neil I can guess what is coming. Incidentally he has used irony in this episode as well but it seems to have gone over most peoples heads.

  12. Apparently...Anonymous...

  13. I dont know whose these people are apart form Mr Katter who I know from Mt Isa. It doesnt seem like what you always write about Terry.

  14. Interesting political scenario you have created there hell I laughed hey. After years of the ALP hanging onto power by the skin of their teeth the LNP end up in turn clinging to the government benches by their pubic hairs - in coalition with the Gay & Lesbian party and a Rev. Nile supporter etc. ROFL. HAHAHAHA. You got a bloody sharp sense of humour mate.

  15. Hehehe, Gavan Gobsnot. Should make for an interesting Parliament shouldn't it? Never a dull day, heheh. However hopefully I won't have to return to the Federal Pariament of Australia as I continue "Cush over Cairns". This episode was necessary to provide background knowledge for the reader during the next episodes.

  16. I've just read this. An interesting scenario in terms of the minority makeup of the Government - I can't see Malcolm Turnbull being a happy chappy - but also an interesting legal case. The Federal Government wouldn't have any option under the circumstances - I agree - to instantly comply with the demands by the Presidents of Vietnam and Indonesia.

  17. Mate initially I saw this blog as another great bloody wank and a waste of space. I hope to christ you piss off the bloody wanker of a sky pilot. Hes as fascinating mate as Justin fucken Birber. Bring back Cushie and his evil sidekick . They make your blog worth a bit of a squiz when theres nothing else on.

  18. Ah...mother love....(LOL) you joker.

  19. David Williamson you ain't. Joseph Heller you most certainly are NOT, and never will be. But I am willing to cede you sound a little, just a little like an Aussie Ben Elton at times. Lead on MacVance!

  20. Carn Terry...whats' happening mate???? Sitting here in that soggy bloody jock strap, waiting endlessly with bated but horrific breath...for the next episode...Its' winter you know... apparently...not alot on the box! Hoping as others have replied that you 'get on with that mongrel Cush and mob'...

  21. My apologies Anonymous. I have been distracted watching the bizarre unfolding of the "phone hacking" so called scandal in the UK involving the Murdoch media. Since News of the World has been caught hacking as far back as 2003, faced the courts several times since and made compensation payments to victims, why does Murdoch pretend not to know, and the British Parliament pretend to be "shocked, shocked and shocked"? Verrrrrrrrrrry interesting.