Saturday, 20 August 2011


"Mt Whitfield will be sold to a Chinese Corporation who will be paying the Council good money, good money, I repeat, to develop an executive retreat and training facility there," His Worship the Mayor of Cairns Regional Council, Colonel Cush, patiently told the woman caller, "Angela of Whitfield" on the local radio talk back program.

Cush was being patient and using his best "commanding officer" voice. Inwardly he was raging. That fucken prick of a bastard, fucken Dom Piper, the Councillor for Division 7, had alerted the people of Whitfield that a large parcel of land on Mt Whitfield was planned to be sold. Cush had read the announcement on Piper's FACEBOOK page. Cush and his Deputy Mayor, Bob (Horsey) Horsman had been planning the sale covertly for some months and he sure as shits' sake didn't want the greenies, conservationists, socialists, artsy-fartsy dingbats and one eyed NIMBYS all up in arms before the sale was all tied up.

This Angela just shitted Cush right off. She was persistent, with that whining, high pitched voice that women often adopt when arguing. "But that land was purchased by the last Council, when Val Schier was Mayor, purposefully so that it NOT be developed, and we could keep our beautiful rainforested mountain....."

Cush sighed right into the microphone and adopted a more patronising tone. "Lady, you all voted the previous Mayor right out of office because she didn't DO anything for Cairns, is that right....?"

"Ye, yes," answered Angela of Whitfield stammering doubtfully. "But, but....."

"In fact,"broke in Cush, still talking slowly and with dramatic emphasis, "people in your Division, which is Division 8 voted overwhelmingly AGAINST the previous Mayor, Val Schier, and gave me a 90% vote of approval. They voted for me BECAUSE, BECAUSE, dear lady, I said that I would get Cairns moving again, and get construction going again. Which I point out, dear lady, that I have done. The people of Cairns all said, they ALL said, they wanted construction works going up all over the city. Construction to employ locals, give locals jobs........."

Angela would not be defeated. "But, but....but...," she kept on stammering, as Cush gathered momentum and went for the kill.

"The Mt Whitfield project is a massive project, comprising of a 3,000 roomed hotel, with squash courts, saunas, swimming pools, a mini golf course, several restaurants, and night clubs. It will provide work during construction for hundreds of Cairns locals, and once completed will provide permanent work for the hotel and associated staff,." Cush continued.

"But it is OUR mountain!" squeaked Angela. "And you never consulted us......"

Cush raised his voice. "Lady, if I was to consult all the people of Cairns for every single decision the Cairns Regional Council did, nothing would ever be done! Instead I would be listening to stupid, anti-development hippies and greenies like you who oppose any new building or project just because you have nothing better to do."

Angela squealed in indignation. "Wha'aaat?"

"Goodbye dear lady," said Cush, indicating to the shock jock, he had finished with the call.

"Christ," said the radio shock jock, as he put a record on, "there's so many of the loonies out
there alright, greenies, hippies, lefties. Imagine the gall of the woman whinging that they were not consulted. You really wonder where these people have come from."

"She's one of the NOT IN MY BACK YARD fuckwits," agreed Cush. "They're all for development, but only if it isn't near them. All they can think about is how it is going to affect their pathetic property values. Well the Whitfield NIMBYS can all go take a
running jump, because this project is going ahead, come hell or high water."

"It's one of the best things ever for Cairns," agreed the radio shock jock fawningly. "I just love the way you won't take any nonsense from them."

"They elected me for strong leadership and to take the city in a strong direction," Cush replied loftily, "And I am doing just that."

The next caller, was the regular, Reg of Redlynch.

"Ooooh maaaate, maaaate," said Reg to Cush, "This Chinese executive retreat is the best thing for Cairns I have heard of in decades. Think of the businesses which will benefit from this and the jobs for our kids hey?"

"Agreed," Cush replied curtly.

"But oh those bloody whingers," went on Reg of Redlynch. "I mean, I just couldn't believe when that half witted woman, what's her name, Angela, reckoned they were not consulted. I mean, COME ON hey? It's like you said, if the Council has to consult with the community on every decision then you wouldn't be able to do anything at all. I mean, you would spend all your time, every day, listening to whingers and whiners like her."

"Exactly Reg," answered Cush. "Thanks for your sensible comments."

The next caller was Marva, another regular caller on the shock jock's talk-back program.
"Colonel Cush, you are the best Mayor Cairns has ever had. I mean, we voted for you because we wanted strong leadership. We didn't want some weak person who can't do anything because they need to get the permissions from the people. We voted for you because you make all those decisions for us and get Cairns moving again. This Angela woman, I think she should leave Australia and go to a Communist country....."

"Thank you Marva," said Colonel Cush, ending the call. He had heard Marva before and wondered if she wasn't insane to be quite frank.

The next caller was Heather of Parramatta Park.

"I agree with Angela," said a very determined sounding female voice. "The people of Whitfield and Edge Hill should most certainly have been consulted about this huge development...."

"You're not the Mayor of Cairns," retorted Cush rudely. "I am, and I make the decisions. If the Chinese corporation.............."

"You're a bloody dictator, not a Mayor!," broke in Heather loudly.

"Oh dear, we seem to have lost Heather from Parramatta Park," said the radio shock jock, writing furiously on a notebook in front of him. NEVER APPROVE ANYONE BY THE NAME OF HEATHER TO TALK ON PROGRAM. Later he would give that to the girls who screened his callers.

"We have another caller," said the shock jock, "and you are all listening to His Worship the Mayor of Cairns Regional Council, Colonel Ken Cush.

The next caller, "Wade of Woree" sounded instantly familiar to the shock jock, and it took him quite a few seconds to recognise his old sparring partner, "Wayne of Bayview Heights."

"What's the name of the Chinese Corporation buying the land?" asked Wade.

"I can't divulge that information yet," answered Cush warily.

"Why not mate, you seem to know what they want? Seems a bit funny to me, you can't
tell us the name of the Corporation,," persisted Wade.

"The sale is still at discussion stages," said Cush testily. "We don't have all the details yet."

"Will you be telling the Chinese corporation that they are building their retreat on a much
loved conservation area in Cairns?" asked Wade. "Bought specifically by the last Council to
preserve the mountains and rainforested areas around Cairns........"

Cush sneered over the microphone. "I will tell the Chinese just what they need to know."

"Yeah, I bet you will...." said Wade, as the shock jock cut him off.

"We're going to music now," said the shock jock.

"The rudeness of some of these callers!" the shock jock shook his head. "I could hardly believe my ears when he asked for the name of the Chinese corporation. I mean, don't these bloody clowns now that these types of deals have to be kept private?"

"Yeah," grunted Cush.

"I mean," said the shock jock, "they have these naive, childish ideas about open government. They elect Councils to make decisions for them, and then they want to know the ins and outs of all those decisions. Wanting to know the name of the Chinese Corporation, indeed! What an idiot!"

Cush left the building of the local radio station and walked to the offices of "The Cairns Post".
He would get the Editor, who thankfully was "on side" and who would do whatever he asked, when he asked, to write an Editorial on the Whitfield Project. He and Horsey would make a cool two million each from the sale of the land, and he didn't want any rogue Councillor, like Dom fucken Piper to fuck it up.

He had anticipated a certain element of people from around Mt Whitfield would come out screaming the usual "Not in my back yard" taunts. Fucken NIMBYS. If you got all the fucken NIMBYS in Cairns together, he thought, there wouldn't be a single business or tourist development in the city.

He still fumed at the idiocy of that woman "Angela of Whitfield." Why the fuck were there simpletons around who thought, who actually thought they had some sort of right to be "consulted" over his decisions? Cairns had never ever had a Mayor like himself. The city was buzzing. A string of nightclubs and Girlie Clubs right in the CBD, a huge monumental tower, over 65 floors in height, stood on the site of the proposed Cairns Entertainment Precinct.
He and Horsey had made a few bob on that one, selling to a Chinese Corporation who had painted the Chinese Flag on the side of the building so that it stood out all over the city.

He sure as fuck's sake didn't go to the people of Cairns getting their bloody hillbilly opinions on that one! Oh some RSL old boys had a bit of a whinge about having the Chinese flag in such a prominent position where it could be seen all over the city and as far South as Woree, but no-one else had minded. Everyone, except for some poofters, had all been so glad that the previous Mayor hadn't got her wish to build a stupid Entertainment Precinct on it. Oh, he had had some pissweak people into see him from the Cairns bloody Choral Society, and some Youth Orchestra and a few other people he couldn't be bothered remembering, all whinging and bellyaching about how he closed up the old Cairns Civic Theatre and how they no longer had a community theatre to perform in. He told them the facts straight off. "The people of Cairns don't want that sort of entertainment foisted on them. They made it quite plain during the years that the previous Mayor was crapping her pants about having a new theatre. I was voted in by the people of Cairns, after I promised that I would spend NO MONEY whatsoever on bloody arts and shit!" Oh, that had shut them all up.

As he walked into the offices of "The Cairns Post", it suddenly occurred to him, that he had an appointment later that day with the new Division 2 Councillor, Dougie Dunnysmore. He hoped to Christ he wouldn't have any problems with him and the Mt Whitfield project. As for Dom fucken Piper, the Councillor for Division 7, Cush had had a gutful of him. He and Horsey needed to have a damned good talk about what to do with him.



  1. A true military commander type alright. How dare anyone question his decisions? I reckon you're right about Mt Whitfield, the next Council will flog off that land as soon as they put their arses in the seats.

  2. Dom Piper has created another diversion for the local "meedja" machine to rant about, helping people to forget about the election of a mass child killer to the Cairns Regional Council, and the role they directly played in electing Bud Yarrow. Yeah, how dare the people demand consultation on Council issues? Grist to the mill, the shock jock and Editor will be both ticking off the peasants of Cairns on that one, for months.

  3. Quite right too, military men expect to be obeyed without question. God help us, it looks like we are going to get a real life bloody Colonel Ken Cush on the Council.

  4. People have very very short memories and attention spans these days when it comes to processing and storing information. I would believe it likely therefore that the local media machine will use the peoples "poor judgement in electing a multiple child killer" to the Council to back up Cush's despotism. This sort of twisting and flip flopping isn't unusual today by the media machine, as they know damned well how quickly people forget and can be mamnipulated. I am confidently predicting that with the election of a new Mayor in Cairns, the very first thing the media do, is to mount a campaign urging the "people of Cairns to stop the divisiveness and to play it fair and give the new Mayor a fair go." They will put it straight back on the people of Cairns, despite the fact that they, the local media, have demonised the current Mayor and caused massive division within the community, since the day she was elected.

  5. You are correct again Liz. Keep on reading the series. The election of a multiple child murderer by the electors of Division 2, will, of course, provide the media machine with the rationale that the people are simple and hence therefore the Mayor, Colonel Cush has the right to make decisions for them without their consultation.
    The local media machine will jump onto it with glee and without conscience.

  6. With such a STRONG MAN Mayor, I would say this Councillor Dom Piper would be in deep shit. STRONG men especially ex military types dont like people pissing around behind their backs defying them. You have created a sociopathic type personality I think in both Cush and his Deputy Horsey. Two million bucks each from a covert deal selling Council land to the Chinese is pretty compelling motivation to DEAL WITH PIPER alright. Will they top Piper off?

  7. You have to keep on reading to find out Neil.

  8. Reading Cushs comments to the woman caller Angela, he does have a point. When the Council bought that land at Whitfield, nobody said well good on you or thanks.

  9. Having the Chinese flag hanging over the city from the side of a Chinese skyscraper would cause a bit of consternation to some people, but no where near as much angst and hostility as building an Entertainment Precinct on the site.
    Cush is right for throwing that back in the faces of Cairns people. As for developing Mt Whitfield, well it is true that Cairns people seem very apathetic about it. My guess is they will soon start to whine and whinge once the bulldozers and backhoes move in.

  10. You reckon this Chinese development is only a "facility for executive training and recreation" hey? I reckon your right there Bob R. too. If the Entertainment Precinct thing is not built on that site then whatever is erected there will be blamed on the people of Cairns for wanting it. Christ you don't have to be a rockedt scientist to work that out.

  11. Sheeeesh, I'm just amazed at these comments. You're a cynical bunch of readers, aren't you? This blog is just a satire isn't it?

  12. Just reading the way Cush spoke to the woman caller, Angela of Whitfield on the talk-back radio show, reminded me so much of a previous Mayor. Anyone else pick that up? Terry, you've got a brilliant ear for dialogue!

  13. So what is this bird Angela gunna do? Whinge and moan and bitch to all her friends while making arrangements to sell her home before the property values plummet? Most likely.

  14. Thanks athena. Yep, patronising, arrogant and rude, just like someone we remember all too well. What is Angela gonna do, Anonymous? Read on and find out.

  15. Sheeesh, wonder why my blog is popular in Holland and Germany??!!

  16. ROFL athena, spot on. Yep, I could clearly hear the contempt and arrogance of a previous Mayor, and well recalled the "dear lady" bit. ROFL. A lot of newcomers to Cairns however wouldn't know.
    Sad, but true.

  17. Oh gosh Terry, I laughed and laughed at this. Memories, memories, memories! You captured a certain male Mayor perfectly. You wonder if the likes of "Angela of Whitfield" understands that she was treated with arrogant contempt. The word "arrogant" is so misused today, that if a person just disagrees with another person, they are accused of being "arrogant".

  18. Wouldn't ONA or someone be very interested in this "Chinese Executive Training and Recreation" facility?

  19. I reckon mate that a new Council as soon as they plonk their arses down will sell off the land tagged for this entertainment precinct thing, as well as the Mt Whitfield land. A little thing to remember is that SOME PEOPLE in Cairns are close to retirement and they DO NOT HAVE SUPERANNUATION. Its gunna be a fuckingh OPEN SLATHER BONANZA mate, wait and see I reckon a whole heap of OLD BOYS are gunna line up and HELP THEMSELVES. Then we will see certain ones piss off after a while and retire in comfort on the Gold Coast.

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  21. Thanks for the comments folks. Yes, the dialogue in the radio talkback show is reminiscent of a previous Mayor, but just a reminder, Colonel Cush is entirely fictitious, a product of my own imagination. We surely would never elect a Mayor like Cush, would we?
    That question of course is the basis for this series.

  22. "Marva" the bloody un-marvellous, she reminds me so much of some moronic woman who hogs that idiotic talk back show.

  23. bogan Zack at Bentley Park30 August 2011 at 06:00

    Bore it fair up the shock jock, Wayne.